Deliver Us From Popcorn

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Tonight I went to the preview screening of the new horror movie Deliver Us From Evil. Just hours before then, I promised myself that I would get back on track with my health, which means that yes, I would have to endure watching the movie in a comfortable cinema chair without popcorn.

And it was a rather difficult task. I have no problem discontinuing the drinking of soda drinks, and I thought that I would be the same way with popcorn - yet in this situation, with the smell of butter coating freshly popped corn kernels and the sound of erratic munching due to the witnessing of horrific scenes, it proved a troublesome task. I did pull through, however, without eating one piece of popcorn. I merely watched my sister eat hers and listened to the rest of the cinema's audience munch on theirs.

It was also the first time for me doing another thing, that is bringing in an apple into the theatre. I held it as casually as I could walking through the shopping centre, held onto it whilst standing in the line collecting our tickets, for I was accompanied by some relatives as well as my sister, and I held it as I passed through the ticket inspection area. It followed me into our cinema, and it sat patiently in my hand through half the movie, at which point I could not handle the sound and smell of the popcorn. I then pulled my hand up to my face and took a gigantic bite of the apple, crunching over the sound of everyone's fatty snacks.

I suddenly felt great about myself. It was a snack that was not salty, it did not leave a greasy mess on my fingers, nor did pieces of it lodge into my teeth or cling to my chest. I did not feel like drinking anything because it was as equally drenched with juice as it was with flavour. However, there was one problem: as much as I enjoyed the taste and texture and smell of this healthy and natural food, it did not nearly last as long as everyone's popcorn did, so there I was again, sitting there with the core of a delicious apple, listening to and smelling everyone's popcorn. If only apples came in the sizes of combo boxes.

Another benefit of popcorn is, apart from the free Spongebob plush toy that my sister received with her popcorn combo, that one can, in the event of a scary scene in a scary movie, hide their face behind the popcorn box, and eventually peek out of the side to stare at the screen which would have a limited view, providing extra safety. The use of my hands to do this job in place of a popcorn box was a tiresome job, and it left my hands smelling like my face, which does not in the last smell bad, but left me smelling what my face smells like for the length of each scary scene.

It is difficult to be overweight in this world, particularly when the food that I need to avoid is the nectar to my bee, the honey to my Pooh Bear, the salmon to my real bear. It is the cough syrup to a sleepless ill child, the beer to Homer, and America to Abraham Lincoln - I cannot do without it. But tonight, I proved to myself that by not acquiring popcorn nor eating it during a scary movie and instead substituting it and other snacks for an apple, I am capable of ensuring my health be placed on track.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, and the Loss of my Popcorn

Every second comedy that I watch contains a scene where a scary movie is being watched, and popcorn flies from the unsteady grasp of the person who was holding it, due to the person’s nerves being extremely shaken – and every time I watch one of these scenes, I imagine myself doing the same thing, getting popcorn all over the persons sitting around me, intentionally of course. That was not the case today.

Today, I watched the new Paranormal Activity movie, The Marked Ones, and today, I lost the best part of my popcorn, the last part, the only part where half-popped crunchy pieces infused with butter flavoring lay, and there was nothing I could do about it except for deter my focus from the cinema screen momentarily to the best popcorn pieces flying further and further from my grip – in this scenario, the ‘five second rule’ could not apply because then that would mean additional time not focusing on the movie, and not knowing what happens next, because important parts of scary movies happen after the loud noises – well, most of the time, anyway.

The movie itself was quite frightening, and not in the sense that the storyline was psychotic and frightening, but in the sense that I felt like every character in the movie had their face turned into a zombie toward the end, and they all just happened to pop out of nowhere after loud noises or screams sounded. Like every other Paranormal Activity movie though, thankfully it is blatantly obvious in places where scary things were bound to happen, so I had plenty of time to brace myself before each one.

The worst thing about this movie was that most of it was said in Spanish. And they did not even say words I can identify, like ‘loco’ or ‘puta’. They had Spanish people speaking so much Spanish that Spanish students in their third year of studying Spanish would faint. All I kept thinking about was whether I was watching a scary movie or spying on the Cartel. I suppose, though, this is a nice touch to the movie because the camera was being held by a person most of the time, and they would have what was being said translated, summarized, to make the viewer feel even more immersed in the movie.

The ending, I will not spoil, but I will say, not atypically, that it does not make any sense, and it ends like most Paranormal Activity movies end. That was not even a spoiler, that was a fact, because unfortunately most scary movies nowadays end in that manner and makes the amount spent on wanting to watch it an utter waste. I want to watch a scary movie for once that makes sense, that can be applied to everyday life, so that I can carry about my daily chores with the biggest amount of fear inside of me screaming that whatever happened in the movie I just watch will happen to me at any moment.

Not to mention the group of four teenage girls behind me – thank you for constantly screaming out profanity at moments where a scary thing did not happen. Thank you for overreacting at moments that contained funny things and thank you for screaming louder than the speakers, I quite enjoyed missing out on most of the dialogue said in English and hearing you scream “what, what happened?” instead. It made the experience a hell of a lot more delightful.

I recommend the film to all Paranormal Activity fans, because if you are not a fan, not only will you be double as lost, but you will most likely run out of the theatre at the end and attack the nearest cinema employee and demand your money to be returned. Also, bring a Spanish friend along with you to translate half the movie, and finish your popcorn in the advertisements before the film will begin, otherwise it will be sacrificed in the good parts of the movie.

The Necessity of Popcorn

Popcorn is the most ingenious invention introduced to mankind, from mankind. It is inevitable to view a movie without munching on some. 

It began with the Mexicans. They sacrificed it to their God as a form of delicious respect. Now, it has been adapted into our cinemas as a form of excessive money gain, and in our case, excessive money loss. Now, for almost the price of a movie ticket alone, you can indulge in a godly meal, accompanied by a nice watered down cola. And for a quarter of the price of these you can head down to the closest grocery store and buy a packet of preserved popcorn, assuming that the cinema ones are too preserved, and a cola. After this you can haul it in either secretly or openly and you can indulge in, instead of popcorn alone, the glares of onlookers as you crack open a noisy cheap packet of your rather ungodly pre-purchased of popcorn. And if you listen carefully you can hear their minds whispering about how horridly cheap you are. 

Despite the lengths one goes through for the successful acquisition of popped corn, and the amounts of money you spend, I deem it impossible to view a movie without constantly placing popcorn fragments in your mouth. I believe that people in the cinemas without popcorn spend most of their time imagining how much better their lives would be with popcorn while holding an image of those behind or in front of them eating popcorn instead of focussing on the movie itself. 

The next time you are watching a movie in the cinemas and you either choose not to buy popcorn because you ran out of time, ran out of money or did not feel as though you wanted to eat it, think of how unfortunate you feel about your decision not to purchase it. Popcorn is the best accompaniment to a movie viewing, and there you are, with no accompaniment beside a possible mere human which you cannot eat because cannibalism is illegal and does not provide you with the good crunch sensation that popcorn brings. 

Popcorn must be eaten for your movie experience to be better. Having said that, please eat and drink responsibly because popcorn can also be distracting to yourself or others.