Wine? More like Whine

Sometimes, I feel like letting my toenails grow out. Excessively, to the point where ants mistake them for great mountain ranges; where I can no longer wear shoes three sizes up, nor shoes six sizes up; where the cheapest sandals make me look quite over-dressed; where they hang so far over my toes that they overshadow the skin, allowing moisture to grow, and in turn, tinea to frolic. I, then, quite content with the state of my disheveled feet, will attempt to dress my feet in three pairs of socks, obviously eight times my foot size, so as to somewhat suffocate my pores, leaving my toes to soften with their own fluids, and then I will proceed to walk for two consecutive weeks in hot. humid weather, and roll the rest of the way if my feet decide to cave in. At this rate, my feet will be in such a putrid state, a state rancid enough for me to satisfy myself in my removing of these socks, and my placing of my feet in a huge barrel of sour grapes that are on the verge of rotting, and my stomping of these grapes so as to make my own wine brand and market it towards people who use the drinking of wine to attribute a solution to their first-world problems.

Why? Because they annoy me. That's why.

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That 'class' level you self-righteously and forcefully attempt to ascend to is not much of an ascent. It is nothing to boast about. Not many people uptalk themselves with bad habits and succeed, particularly people who attempt to glorify the consumption of certain substances. So, wine-drinker, you aren't that special. The creation of memes about your obsession with this grape liquid may put you under the false impression that people indeed consider you classy, but I hate to shoo away your aura of pride; that's all it is. A false impression.

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I am sick of seeing posts by privileged people living in an urban utopia creating and/or sharing ridiculous memes about the excessive drinking of wine in order to deal with problems that are not at all problematic. These people shelter themselves behind a fermented drink, and confer its importance by increasing the volume of wine they wish to consume. And chances are, that these are the very people who frown upon alcoholism. Wake up, wine-lover, you are an alcoholic. Don't agree? What about those ridiculously over-sized nags that have room to stash your goon-bags in? Don't talk to me about class, when all that promotes is self-indulgence and intemperance.

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There are two distinct things that annoy me about the glorification of wine. The first is the wine itself. It is nothing special. It can be overly priced or very under-priced. It is literally grape juice and other stuff. Who cares. Let's move on.

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The second is how fashionable it has become, aspect of fashion it holds, which is the trendy application to the consumption of wine to deal with personal ailments. What is so bad in your life that a little perspective does not solve? In fact, that is precisely what the 'classy white wine-drinking citizen' is missing from their life: perspective.

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Their life is so unbearable that they must drown it out with the biggest cup of wine they can find (or bottle, pictured below). Your meeting went on for thirty extra minutes? Well, you have a fucking job. You have children? Congratu-fucking-lations, you are fertile and/or can financially support yourself as well as a miniature human (or maybe you kidnapped someone else's human, in which case the over-consumption of grape-juice can be excused for the sheer fact that you suck and you made someone else's life suck). You have household chores that you need to do to benefit yourself such as cooking or cleaning so as to maintain your hygiene? Well done, you have a fucking roof above your head and some food to nibble on. You cannot convince me that the bottle below is worth all of the hype. Go on, try. I bet perspective will shut you down on each attempt.

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If I ever subject my feet to the torture I wrote about in the first paragraph of this post, I will be sure to create the best-fitting label to affix to my wine bottles, which will lather ever so perfectly the following fancily typed product name: WHINE. Because that's all the people who consume this drink do. 

Stop whining about petty things and listen to people who have real things to complain about. Maybe then you'll turn whine to care, and wine to water, and offer your vacant slots of sympathy to those who truly need it.