Unpopular Opinion: Should we hold Empathy for Incels?

Before I begin, I need to outline that I am seated on the fence in this occurence; that is to say that I am observing this happening from multiple perspectives. However, I wish to focus on the most unpopular, as it may prove worthy considering the mass writings on this topic revolve around the more popular opinion. This is a sensitive topic, and I do not in any way aim to offend persons on either sides of this argument; I wish simply to bring to light the possibilities of what seems to be missing in this narrative.

Jake Davison: 22 year old deceased male from Plymouth who shot and killed five people before he turned the gun on himself. 

Basic headline, right?

We will also come to witness, in the next few days, strings of words the media will use to fuel a reader's interest in the matter: 'Incel', 'blackpill', 'loner', 'gun-obsessed', 'American-born', 'propaganda'. What we will not witness is sympathy directed at anyone but the victims, and particularly, never the shooter themselves.

Is that what we're missing in our society at the moment? Are we missing the general empathy needed to understand why something like this seems to be recurring?

Before this, let me explain briefly some of the key words from above. Word one: 'Incel'. An 'Incel' is an abbreviation of the terms 'Involuntary Celibate'. It is a derivative of an online sub-culture filled with persons who desire an intimate companion, but feel as though they are too unattractive in various forms to find one. Thus, hatred has formed against those in society who do have an intimate companion, and comparisons are drawn, in a possible attempt to identify why.

A few instances have occured where self-proclaimed members of this sub-culture have taken on violent rampages in order to quell the sense of anger they hold for certain members of society. It stands quite true that we are never sure of the exact motive of a murderous person, however it seems the media is always quick to jump onto the assumption train and illuminate all the negative aspects that have been bred from this 'Incel' sub-culture.

All? No. I don't actually think all the negative aspects have been covered.

Take, for example, the very motivation for the sub-culture: loneliness. Every person, at any given time, has experienced feeling alone. It is not a pleasant feeling, and it is one we are quick to try to rid ourselves of, as human beings are philosophically said to be social creatures, and it is in our very nature to want to communicate and connect. So what happens when we do not have these basic forms of communication and connection? Loneliness.

Another motivation: a feeling of unattractiveness. This can stem from aspects of the phyiscal, to aspects of the sexual. It may be true that we are all our own worst enemies in the sense that we find parts of ourselves absolutely appalling, and then turn to hate our entirety becuase of said parts, however how would it be like to feel as though some other person identifies these parts of you as 'unattractive', and then works to aid you in believing so? Imagine the sensation of tickling yourself. You cannot do it. But when someone else tickles you, that's when you feel the effect. This may work in a similar way. Self-hatred is already such a strong sensation; what of the sensation, then, of hatred coming from someone else? Or even worse, assumed hatred?

I think that Mary Shelley's Frankenstein still rings true in our society today: we are too quick to judge the external. Dating apps ask you to placate yourself in the form of pictures and a few words; resumes ask you to display some skills; social media apps ask for little hints of your opinion and ask others to give theirs (don't get me started about 'Cancel Culture') - we are constantly judging one another.

And the media exacerbates all of this. It awaits, a predator, striking any form of prey, and begins the fear and hate-mongering processes of applying words and images in order to evoke reactions. And that is what is happening now.

Yes - there are several victims, and of course, I extend my grievances and apologies to their families. But I also extend it to these people who are fuelled so much by the judgments around us.

I constantly say this: it is imperative to treat others the way you wish to be treated.

So, how do we achieve this in our time?

As a teacher, I still experience bullying. Words exchanged, actions. Just the other day I saw some students hide the exercise book of another, and giggled ferociously; it's not funny, it has been done before and achieves nothing but the circulation of hatred. It wasn't even funny when I was tripped over for being 'fat' and came home every day with grazed knees, and have constantly clicking knees when I walk or ascend stairs. It still isn't funny. And it's such a degrading thing to watch someone being berated.

That's why we should extend a form of understanding towards this sub-culture. It hasn't stemmed from anything but the mistakes of human beings. And within it, are humans just trying to understand why. 

Now that the media has decorated this sub-culture with words the general public associates with it, it will be harder for the general public to establish and utilise some form of empathy. It seems like we only fight hatred with hatred, and we never seek to understand it.

Let me show you this screenshot I took from another headline:

What is this headline trying to say exactly? I won't feed your mind; rather, reader, I invite you to think of it in a perspective you normally would not think from.

Here is my rendition:

The difference is that the rendition simply seems to understand why. While the media is focussed on the potential that 'Incels are a Terror threat to the UK' (I am not even kidding), primarily because a weapon was used and his Youtube showed subscriptions to gun channels, it does not focus on how to help balance the world in terms of achieving harmony in connections. 

His videos, partly depicting a cry for help, have been removed. I second the notion that now we won't be able to understand his motives, and we won't be able to try to grow and develop as a society to ensure that everyone feels seen, welcome, and included. It has been removed. That's it. All his words, his ways of thinking, gone.

We work so hard to divide society, and I still haven't seen such hard work put into bringing it together.

Kurt Cobain

source


"I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm.
And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function.
I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general.
Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy.
Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess."

I never have really bothered to inquire about Kurt Cobain or his suicide or his band or anything to really do with him, simply because a cheap merchandise store thought it was okay to place 'Nirvana' on cheap t-shirts and every girl and boy wore it not knowing who Nirvana really was, and it turned me off wanting to get to know this elusive figure.

But I thought it appropriate to do so today, the day which marks his suicide's twentieth anniversary. Any suicide pains me to inquire about because people who commit suicide go to a very dark place, a place that no light can illuminate, and that darkness lingers for all eternity, and it lingers now as I try to look through the looking-glass towards Kurt. I am currently listening to him singing Where did You Sleep Last Night and I am experiencing a strange feeling, especially after having read his suicide note and after having seen pictures from his death. It is a sort of sickly feeling, one that will lie in the pits of my stomach until I forget about Kurt having shot himself in the head as a form of escape from the world that he failed to continue to see the light in, as shown in the excerpt from his suicide note, above.

I can align with Kurt when he says that he is "terrif[ied]" about how his daughter was once like him, "full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm". Knowing the true colours of most people is something that comes with age, and what a glorious, distant thing age seems to every child. I still remember my tenth birthday, where I told my mother I could not wait to grow age so that I could receive my first gameboy, a gameboy colour - clear purple, along with the game Pok'emon Crystal, which featured animated pok'emon. I simply could not wait, and she told me that I will one day age and regret it, and now I know why. There is so much evil in the world, and I am assuming that, based on Kurt's manner of thought right before his death, that somebody had done something horrible to him to the extent where he had "become hateful towards all humans in general". 

What compels me to become interested in those who have committed suicide is what draws them to do so, and what frightens me at the same time is that their opinions align with mine. "I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess", and as do I, and I also know the consequence of unrequited love, unrequited emotions and unrequited attachment. Severe attachment to another is lethal on one's mental state, and I have learnt that the way that I have learnt about everything abhorrent this world has to offer: the hard way. But I have not learnt it hard enough, well, at least not as hard as Kurt, who had turned to heroin. I cannot imagine the mental distraught this man had gone through from something, that it led him to a needle pointed near his elbow. In inquiring about what compels me to gain interest in these people, I have also an interest in what compels people who inflict mental harm upon others to do so.

Though Kurt clearly had hatred for all humans, he still had some light left in him, ending his note with "peace, love, empathy" and "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU" sprawled twice in capital letters. At twenty-seven years old, Kurt had prematurely ended his life, which still is impacting on many today, but certainly not on those unaware teenagers who wear cheap shirts with 'Nirvana' on them. Hopefully they will not feel the mental agitation Kurt had felt. And Kurt, it has taken me twenty years since your suicide to realise that you and I are alike in some ways, and for that I am eternally sorry. May you find mental serenity wherever you now are.