Kurt Cobain

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"I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm.
And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function.
I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general.
Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy.
Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess."

I never have really bothered to inquire about Kurt Cobain or his suicide or his band or anything to really do with him, simply because a cheap merchandise store thought it was okay to place 'Nirvana' on cheap t-shirts and every girl and boy wore it not knowing who Nirvana really was, and it turned me off wanting to get to know this elusive figure.

But I thought it appropriate to do so today, the day which marks his suicide's twentieth anniversary. Any suicide pains me to inquire about because people who commit suicide go to a very dark place, a place that no light can illuminate, and that darkness lingers for all eternity, and it lingers now as I try to look through the looking-glass towards Kurt. I am currently listening to him singing Where did You Sleep Last Night and I am experiencing a strange feeling, especially after having read his suicide note and after having seen pictures from his death. It is a sort of sickly feeling, one that will lie in the pits of my stomach until I forget about Kurt having shot himself in the head as a form of escape from the world that he failed to continue to see the light in, as shown in the excerpt from his suicide note, above.

I can align with Kurt when he says that he is "terrif[ied]" about how his daughter was once like him, "full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm". Knowing the true colours of most people is something that comes with age, and what a glorious, distant thing age seems to every child. I still remember my tenth birthday, where I told my mother I could not wait to grow age so that I could receive my first gameboy, a gameboy colour - clear purple, along with the game Pok'emon Crystal, which featured animated pok'emon. I simply could not wait, and she told me that I will one day age and regret it, and now I know why. There is so much evil in the world, and I am assuming that, based on Kurt's manner of thought right before his death, that somebody had done something horrible to him to the extent where he had "become hateful towards all humans in general". 

What compels me to become interested in those who have committed suicide is what draws them to do so, and what frightens me at the same time is that their opinions align with mine. "I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess", and as do I, and I also know the consequence of unrequited love, unrequited emotions and unrequited attachment. Severe attachment to another is lethal on one's mental state, and I have learnt that the way that I have learnt about everything abhorrent this world has to offer: the hard way. But I have not learnt it hard enough, well, at least not as hard as Kurt, who had turned to heroin. I cannot imagine the mental distraught this man had gone through from something, that it led him to a needle pointed near his elbow. In inquiring about what compels me to gain interest in these people, I have also an interest in what compels people who inflict mental harm upon others to do so.

Though Kurt clearly had hatred for all humans, he still had some light left in him, ending his note with "peace, love, empathy" and "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU" sprawled twice in capital letters. At twenty-seven years old, Kurt had prematurely ended his life, which still is impacting on many today, but certainly not on those unaware teenagers who wear cheap shirts with 'Nirvana' on them. Hopefully they will not feel the mental agitation Kurt had felt. And Kurt, it has taken me twenty years since your suicide to realise that you and I are alike in some ways, and for that I am eternally sorry. May you find mental serenity wherever you now are.