20 Things to Know about Australia

'Australians, all, let us rejoice,

for we are pissed and stoned!'

There are a lot of misconceptions aimed at Australia, particularly from Americans, in the same way Australians aim misconceptions at America. I am writing this today to straighten some things out, especially after seeing a video of Americans trying out Australian foods and almost regurgitating their entire digestive system. Apart from saying 'tomato sauce' instead of 'ketchup', wearing thongs, saying "mate" after almost everything and heading down to the pub for a couple of beers, there are several other things one must know about the crazy island that is Australia:

1. Vegemite

Vegemite is the best spread ever. It tastes like a salty spread, and we only spread a bit of it on top of toasted bread, or in a sandwich, and it is mainly accompanied by a spread or slice of cheese, and it is not, I repeat, not eaten by the spoonful – I am sure that if it were, a lot of Australians would run out of Vegemite.

2. Fairy Bread

It is unclear where exactly Fairy Bread originated from, but it is alleged that it may have been inspired by a poem from the 1800s. Regardless, Fairy Bread is normal white bread, coated with a layer of margarine or butter, and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. No, the Tooth Fairy did not inspire us, all I really know is that it somehow tastes quite good, and I first ate it whilst I was in kindergarten. It was a child delicacy.

3. Smith’s Chips

We have the coolest chip flavors, by this particular company. Such flavors include Chicken, Barbecue, and Cheese and Onion. The Chicken flavor does not actually taste like you are licking a live chicken, nor a cooked one. It kind of tastes like sweet potato, and it is nothing to be disgusted by.

5. Kangaroos as a mode of transport

Honestly speaking, I do not think any sized human would fit in a kangaroo pouch, unless they were a baby. Kangaroos are adored from afar, and are sometimes fed at sanctuaries, or if you are lucky to live in the outback, you may have some coming to your backyard. We do not by any means ask them for a lift. They would not be able to comprehend or respond.

6. Koalas as pets

Koalas are the laziest things I have ever seen. They are fluffy, unapproachable and are always doped up from the amount of Eucalyptus leaves they consume. There is a chemical in the Eucalyptus leaves that makes them this way. I have actually had to pay to see a koala up close, having one as a pet would be less exciting than having a pet rock.

7. "Shrimps on the barbie"

We eat prawns, not shrimps. Also, Australians enjoy ‘snags’ more. Sausages, in case you were wondering.

8. The pronunciation of ‘Melbourne’

It is pronounced as “Mel-ben”, not “Mel-born”.

9. The pronunciation of Australia

It is “Uh-strah-lee-uh”.

10. How to say ‘no’

“Yeah, nah.”

11. How to say ‘yes’

“Nah, yeah.”

12. “G’day”

You have heard it in the Crocodile Dundee movie, and that is about all you will hear it unless you are speaking to an Australian man aged over fifty years.

13. "C*nt"

This word is loathed in other countries, but in Australia, it is mostly used as a complimentary word. For example, if someone thinks you are cool, they will call you a “sick c*nt”. If they do not think you are cool, they will call you a “sh*t c*nt”. If they think you are brave, or crazy, they will call you a “mad c*nt”, and if you lack sufficient courage they will call you a “weak c*nt”.

14. Milk Bar

A lot of my American friends were highly confused when I had first met them online and told them that my parents owned a ‘milk bar’. It is another word for a ‘convenience store’, just think of Apu’s Kwik-e-Mart.

15. Bogans

99% of us are bogans. The equivalent of rednecks. We purchase slabs of VB when the cricket or football is on because it is better to watch hunky men wearing short shorts chase a ball whilst heavily intoxicated. We even have destroyed the very concept of actively being ‘literate’.

16. “Crikey!”

That was a term coined by Steve Irwin. He was, I believe, the man who said it the most out of any man alive. The occasional Australian might use it in mockery, but that is about it.

17. 'Tradies'

This is a term applied for handy-men, young high-school drop-outs, or any other male who works as a builder, sparkie (electrician), or landscapers. Men of the trade. A saying has been coined, “tradies get the ladies,” and that is generally because all tradies are quite fit and good looking. They also get paid a lot of money for what they do, as opposed to those doing long-term studies and living off their parents and eating leftover pizza for dinner.

18. Pools in utes

Utes are basically condensed cars with long trays behind them. Because it gets so stinking hot here, sometimes ute owners will line up the back of the ute with some form of plastic sheeting, fill it up with water, invite some girls over and have a swim at the back of their ute.

19. ‘Oi oi oi’

I think that nowadays, most Australians use this in mockery of themselves, unless of course they are at some form of awards ceremony and someone decides to scream “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!”

20. ‘Grog’ and ‘goon’

Terms for alcohol. Us Australian like to “hit the piss” – no, that does not mean having domestic fights against our urine, rather being so “smashed” that we get our “boxes smashed” at clubs and come home to wake up to battling a large hangover. But we are Aussies, and that is the only way to wake up in Australia, right? Smashed?