Cold Toilet Seats

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It is that time of the year again, where Facebook hits a record number of statuses in Australia containing the French word used for profanity and the word 'cold' to describe our winter. These statuses tend to, according to no form of statistical data whatsoever, formulate in people's minds when they awaken in the morning to bowel movements which needs releasing, only to find that the seat to the magical device which accepts these releasings, per se, is colder than the temperature outside, or inside, in the freezer.

And it is that time of the year where I wonder whether Santa Clause's toilet seat is always this cold. That poor man, perhaps that is why he is so chubby. If my toilet seat was that cold, I would never attempt to lose weight. I would use the power of my butt-blubber to heat up the seat that I spend most of my days on. Now I do not blame Santa for not calling me back when I called to ask if he would join me to a Weight Watchers evening. He always claims that he cannot attend because he has to walk his reindeer. I thought that that was a complete lie until I found out he had around twelve. Plus, with Mrs Clause around cooking those delicious treats all of the time, who would even diet?

I have tried to seek ways to warm my toilet seat before proceeding to sit on it but I have failed. Sometimes I have tried going in right after someone has been to absorb their butt warmth but I only did that once and I found it way too disturbing to ever contemplate doing it again. I mean, if their butts were on the seat long enough to warm it up, what else has been crawling all over the seat from their behinds? What if they have butt-ne? Butt acne? What if they left particles of butt-fluff on the seat? That means that my butt would pick them up and others would mistake that butt-fluff for being my butt-fluff when I leave the toilet seat and they rush in after me. And what if nobody is awake to even warm it up for me? It would be only then where I would regret not adopting some butt-fluff, because then that would mean that I would have had to be the first one to encounter the toilet seat, which means that I would have been faced with the coldest temperatures. It is enough that the sun does not shine down there, I do not need a lower yet temperature feasting on my gluteus maximus. 

One ingenious way of warming up toilet seats would work if you had a horseshoe style toilet seat. Those toilet seats were initially created for the comfort of dangling male parts, and for the extra hygiene faced when having one genital after the other. I bet the person who invented it obtained the clap from a public restroom. Regardless, and onto my point, if you do happen to have these gender-safe seats, they can be warmed up simply by dressing them with an old pair of your brother's long socks. Now, why I cringe at this is not because of my jealousy in that I wish I had a horseshoe or 'open' toilet seat to begin with, nor is it because I think that sitting on someone's athlete's foot house is feral, rather it is because socks, especially the convenient length of long ones, are home not only to grotty, smelly feet and sweat, but also a certain white fluid which comes out of the dangling genitals in the form of mayonnaise which is edible too, but preferred by some, and spat out by others.

Yes, I will not dwell too much on these mayonnaise-looking deposits because I think you have already pictured it a little too well in your head. That is the main reason as to why I cringe. These people, as ironic as it is, own open front toilet seats for the avoidance of the clap yet risk the possibility of getting pregnant with Benjamin Button at a certain stage in his life, depending on how long the deposits have been there. That is even more messed up than the previous thought, and I do apologize. But these matters need to be addressed. I have a deep concern for people who sit on used socks to avoid getting a frozen rear-end. To begin with, it does not take that long for the toilet seat to warm up, and now I have developed my argument to be against those who sit on socks wrapped around toilet seats rather than the need to sit on cold toilet seats alone.

Now I am wondering what is worse - sitting on the equivalent temperature of the iceberg which sunk the Titanic or sitting on possible sibling sperm deposits.