We spend much of our time talking about
"who our true friends are" when we should be focusing on the
opposite. Allow me to tell you who they are not.
Your true friends are not those who look at
your ambitions and decide to shun you from their lives because you now make
them feel 'intimidated' since you yourself have been liberated from your
anxiety and depression to create a sense of identity that they never had the
chance or the sense of individuality to even develop. They are merely clones
and if they are cloned from a source that cannot be described as a true friend
then they themselves are not a true friend either.
Your true friends are not those who, once
they find a significant other, decide to make you insignificant. Yes, everyone
requires the fondling of their genitals but you should never forget those who
fondled your very emotions, who filled your soul with air again so it may take
flight after a long period of darkness and deflation. True friends realize that
they were in your shoes one day, that they too went through a phase where
nobody loved them and that you were there for them, but they do not realize
that and then make themselves unavailable for a mere cup of coffee.
And most importantly, your true friends are
not those who judge you by your image. Your outside is a mere exoskeleton of
skin, hair and pores, and those aspects do not define you. You are defined by
what is within and if they cannot see through your exoskeleton then they do not
deserve a sighting of you. They do not deserve the praising of their ambitions,
the affection you still so willingly give as you are in denial of their
unrequited true friendship, and they certainly do not deserve a mention in your
thoughts. Restructure your way of thinking and aim it towards those who deserve
it.
It is sad that people like myself have to
tread on through life with a limited amount of true friends, and it is
especially sad when the reasons as to why this is so are unknown, but what is
known that I have not a treacherous personality nor do I gain any sort of
happiness from the sadness or hurting of others, yet it is so that I carry on
with a limited supply of those who offer their shoulders in times of
condolences. It is not that I do not appreciate this limited number, it is that
I prefer reasons behind actions and all I want to know is, why? I suppose it feels slightly better not knowing a reason but at
the same time it is thought-wrenching. Had I acted horribly towards these
certain people, I would accept the situation and move on. I know that I,
however, did not, and I stand by my word as the word of truth, and it is then I
wonder why, and why and why again.
I am assuming that it is indeed because of
my weight. I am assuming that because of my weight, these certain people feel
the need to be drawn away in the event of having to pass over something that I
am not willing to partake in, like a luscious night out at a club in a short
dress and high heels, followed by a raunchy night spent in a hotel room near
that club with one or more men met at that club.
I do not partake in these activities
because I do not believe in the sexual giving of myself ritually, and I still
am holding onto that notion that somebody deserves my all. I do not believe
that I will meet that somebody in a club, simply because I choose not to go
clubbing – why would I find the somebody of my dreams in a place I would never
be?
It is all a concoction of silly reasons.
Silly reasons that hurt, that isolate and that distances. And those silly
reasons, unfortunately, are a part of some of our lives, and this is why I am
writing this, my dear reader, to you, so that you do not feel the sense of
betrayal I felt that day around five years ago. It is an abhorrent feeling and
one that I hope never happens to anybody else. Be fruitful in the fertility of
your happiness, let it spread and multiply beyond all those who spite you for
whatever silly reason. True friendship is indeed extinct in most cases. Fight
to keep the ones you still have alive, only if they deserve to be.
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