Ballroom Dancing

Sweaty hands, trembling from nervousness. Calling out across the room to appease friendship and not intimacy. Giggles, smiles, twirling. While this experience is normal for every private school girl who practices with a brother school for her social, I consider it nightmarish.  I always think of the bad side of my childhood because that is all I really can remember. 

As a scale tipper, I have grown up experiencing things no child should. I have had experiences with society that still traumatise me to this day. I have been bullied to the extent where I am surprised that I am still somewhat mentally strong. I used to come home with severely grazed knees each day from school because a particular group of boys thought it was funny to watch the overweight girl in their class fall over. I probably have encountered a large amount of bad situations but I have most likely blocked them out of my mind. I am thankful for not being able to remember the entirety of my childhood. 

I remember distinctively, though, my experiences with ballroom dancing with male partners. Of course, I was the only overweight girl in my cohort. Naturally I stood out. This was a time when fat shaming was not frowned upon as much as it is now. I practically had no hope finding a suitable temporary dance partner, and this was difficult to accept seeing as the entire purpose of this activity was to ensure that we find partners to the debutante ball. I never found a partner, so I never attended. The boys were lovely - to the other girls. Some boys held not my hands but rather one finger on each hand. Most did not dare touch me, like fat was infectious. Others laughed, swayed their arms and spoke to their friends until I switched to another boy. My confidence was shot right down. And at lunchtimes I had to put up with my peers talking about how handsome the boys were and what a lovely experience it all was. I never could agree about anything so I would sit alone and draw. 

I think that is why I do not share connection with childhood acquaintances. We had the same events that we attended but we did not share the same experiences within those events. Those events were all so difficult for me because of my burdening weight. I understand if nobody understands because you cannot empathise fully unless you experience the site of trauma yourself and I understand completely that people who are not overweight do not comprehend why people who are overweight have so many traumatic memories. But the fact is that we do, hence our inability to enjoy things that we are meant to enjoy. 

Ballroom dancing was meant to be an enjoyable event. I do not remember anything enjoyable from it though. Watching the class of girls and boys dance through their part of the ballroom dancing experience was uplifting in that the overweight girl was treated well, and degrading in that I never was treated well in my youth.