Momentum

Daily, I experience more fallouts with humans that I once associated myself with. I used to think that there was something wrong with me, that I was the problem in these fallouts and that I deserved no better.

Upon reflection, I no longer see it that way. Upon reflection, I have began to notice that I have evolved so much mentally, that sometimes I cannot recognize myself. Sometimes, I surprise myself in the way that I speak and in the thought processes that I undertake to the extent where I cannot keep up, thus I do not expect anybody else to. I used to substitute my 'big words' for words that are much simpler to comprehend, and I lost essence in conversation. 

And that there is the problem, I think. Most of the time, whenever I share my ideas, people demean them and deem me 'weird' or 'strange'. That is to say, though, I have been fortunate enough to meet people who do not think that they are all that odd, thus my academic flourishing. But outside of the realm of academia, it is a cold and barren place. It is a place that is intellectually scarce, a place where the pedagogical journeyers have no resting place, nor have they a mere welcome mat. 

I remember distinctly a time when I was around eighteen. I had just finished high school, and I had sought a writing course that would suck me in, spin me around and throw me back out. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. I was not prepared to search within my souls for words that would resonate with others, or so I thought. 

To apply, I had to show excerpts of my writing just to show my cognitive calibre. I searched through my laptop and gathered typings that I had created at different points in time, typings that I had never gone ahead with. Among the pile sat my favorite, one that was initiated out of no place at all and that focussed primarily on my study of human behaviour. I did not know that I would need this so much later in life, that the table of contents I had devised for it summarised most of what I would experience. I did not know that the table of contents was not enough. Had I continued to write that book, I think I would have gotten far.

But the truth is that I am passively adding to that book daily. I am finding new things about myself, my psyche, that even Freud would not understand, and things about others. I find that my observations are never over because there are so many different people that I have come to meet, know or know about. There are so many chemicals inside the human that mix together and toggle different things, and I think that as a pre-service teacher, I am fortunate to have come to terms with some of these chemicals. There are people all over the world experiencing the things I am experiencing, and sometimes I need to remind myself that this is so.

But the momentum that my mind is undertaking travels at speeds so rapid that sometimes I do not stop and observe my observations, and that is when I forget about the behaviours I already know, and in that forgetting I forget about the natural reactions that I deal with, and I thus put myself down. But I am slowly gaining control of that momentum, even if most of the people I meet cannot even begin to grasp the concept. I too consider myself outer-worldly, and I am beginning to embrace it.

My momentum is nothing that I should fear, nor is it something others should. I may not come with all of the prerequisites needed to thrive in my generation, but I am prepared when it comes to intellectual straining and I am equipped with tonnes of creative artillery. I will not stand around and wait for allies.