The Dread of the Absence of Noses

As we are well aware from the Harry Potter series, to live without a nose is to live a bitter life. Noses are instruments that compliment our faces. They sit between our cheeks and above our lips and underneath our forehead and they would not look better elsewhere. Why is it that we do not dread their potential absence?

Picture a human without a nose. It is almost as shocking as seeing one without any eyebrows. Over time, we have grown accustomed to the availability of a nose. We identify people firstly by looking at their eyes, and because of their long, vertical structures, we droop down along the nose and then back up at their eyes. Without the nose sitting in its place, our vision stays awkwardly focused on their eyes and we have to find ways in which we could remain calm as we think of what to stare at next. With a nose, one feels complacent. Its placement on our faces almost compliments us, and the varied ways in which they protrude allows others to distinguish between person to person.

The anatomy of a nose is interesting in itself – at the beginning of the nose, between your eyes, is the nasal bone, or the nasal bridge. It spreads down, and in Bruce Willis’ case it spreads out before it does this, to where the upper cartilage is, toward the middle, and it ends with the lower cartilage. The very side of the nostrils are the alar tissues. Place a finger on the tip of your nose, then stroke upwards. That flat area is the supratip break. Now, return to the tip and stroke downwards, and you will find another flat surface. This is called the infratip break. The next flat surface below that break is the nasobial angle. If you place your thumb and index finger onto the tip of your nose as though you are about to block your nostrils from the putrid smell of your uncle’s armpits, you will feel two dome-like humps. Those are called domes. That is probably the most blatantly obvious name for this part of your nose. Move your pinch-hold towards the back, and you are holding the supra alar crease. If you do not find this, please forward your queries or complaints to 1800-WTF-GOD.

You will notice that there are two holes on the bottom of your nose. If you cannot see them, place a finger on your nasal bridge, and when you reach the infratip break, move your finger to the left, then to the right, and you will find two holes. Just to be sure that they work place your finger inside each one and have a feel around. You will notice that they are warm, hairy and slightly moist and sticky cylinders, and if you have both fingers up both holes then be sure to leave your mouth open otherwise you may find it difficult to breathe. Great, now you have located and identified your nostrils. I hope for your sake that nobody was watching.

That narrow area between your nostrils is the columella. Enter your nostrils with your thumb and index finger. Go about five millimetres in, and pinch. You will find that there is a wall blocking one nostril from the other. This is the equivalent to the Berlin Wall. It is called the Septum, and as a form of punishment for blocking the direct communication between one nostril and the other, some people get it pierced. Now, remove your thumb and index finger from your nostrils, and notice this: if you pinch the tip above the top of your nostrils you will feel as though you are pinching a Frankfurt. These are your soft tissue triangles. They are two wondrous Bermuda triangles, in that when a fruit fly flies in that area, it falls out of your sight. Unless it flies up your nose, it vanishes.

And there you have it, my fellow reader. You now know the scientific means of the pointed thing in the middle of your face. That pointed sneezing and snorting thing that breathes warm air, that contains hairs that capture germs and transfers them with boogers that get picked at or eaten. That pointed thing that comes in different shapes and sizes, and flares when you sing. That pointy thing that is sometimes flattened by boxing mitts and spreads out of proportion like a squashed witchetty grub. You now know that pointy thing that shines after you shower and can be accessorised with piercings and jewelry to the extent where you can spend your family dinnertime explaining to your relatives the names of each part of your nose, so far as my knowledge spreads.

And now that you are familiarised totally with your nose, it will be seemingly difficult to imagine living without one. Do not attempt to, it will petrify your very soul. Appreciate your nose, because you would look funny if it ever decides to go.