Floating While Grounded

As of late, I have been mentally numb. Navigating through my daily activities, I feel as though I am a mere ghostly presence lacking motives or direction, and I partly blame some people and I partly blame myself. It is not so much blame, on my part, though, it is a hybrid form of congratulations as well. I congratulate myself for my current floating manner. It allows me to rest my mind and separate myself from those who have always wanted to separate from me. They choose to separate from me for one reason, a reason which hypothesises why it is that my social life is that way, and I believe this: that my mind is simply unattainable.

The state of mind that I reveal to people differs than the state of mind that lies within me. I suppose everyone else is also like this, however my internal state of mind is far more bigger than my external one. That, is my problem. It is problematic because people are never exposed to the bigger part of me, rather the minuscule glimpse of me. This upsets me, but I suppose I am that way due to a lack of acceptance, thus a state of unattainability. The things I say are not acknowledged by most because I prefer to converse about uncommon things which are strikingly unique, things which do not revolve around the typical status-quo which most of us surround ourselves by. And I have found people who also speak like this, yet they slip away and turn common, leaving me floating in my uncommon sphere of strangeness.

Recently, though, I have been ignoring all of this. I try not to think about it all and all of the loneliness it brings by trying to go about daily routines like attending the local gymnasium or writing or driving with the windows down and feeling the accepting summer breeze. All of these put my mind at a temporary ease, until the next time that I remember how things are the way they are. And on those days, my heavy thought processes are recognisable due to my physical state in the duration of those days. I tend to stay indoors, with a constant gloomy look on my face, and all that radiates from me is a terrible sense of anti-gratitude which derails my mind from the paths which I have taken so long to build. The only person that rails me again is my mother, because she had gone through what I have gone through.

Sadly, the only way out that she sees fit is the way she has taken - adapting to the lifestyles and talks of nonsense of commoners. I cannot help it. I cannot adapt. I know that one day, my spouse probably will not accept my mind, and thus I must also adapt. But I also have a tiny gleam of hope which states otherwise - that my spouse will be in the likeness of me and my mind, and we will get along better with one another than a bee pollinating a flower on a warm spring day, but until that day, well, I am simply mentally unattainable. That is the best way to put my current state of mind. I have had a few people come close to my true identity but none have quite succeeded. Most are scared off because of my strong defence mechanisms. Mind you, they were put in place to perform their duty - to protect me from the nastiness that spreads around this earth.

And do not get me wrong. I get along with a lot of people. I am vibrant, I am loving and caring and I laugh as though I am drugged but that is only half of me dispersing into the world. I constantly miss all of those few which have penetrated the furtherest into my head however I do not think it is mutual. I sure hope it is, because as barren as this world is, it will only get worse if your condition is not bettered. People need to be more open minded. I am not under the influence of any illicit substances. I am not hiding myself. Myself is inside me, but buried deep. It will only be revealed if you are a holder of a social shovel which drills past the status-quo and the utter bullshit which is the predominant sort of socialising there is today.

I will continue, though, to float while I am grounded, until somebody anchors me. Until then, I float, and remain mentally unattainable. Defence mechanisms in full-effect.