Dreams and Cultural Domains

Why do people always gratify most dreams and hate or fear nightmares? My dreams are moreso nightmares because they depict things unattainable to me. I dream of things that I would like but cannot have, promiscuous things. Dreams are more treacherous than nightmares, for nightmares show us things we fear - we own that fear because it is a part of us, whereas dreams show us things we will most likely never own or attain.

My life is filled with restrictions of all sorts, and rightfully so because of my very context and my partial choice in wanting to abide by some cultural preferences. However, with that said I am also torn between two cultural domains - the Lebanese and Australian domains. I am a part of both, and immersed in both in an equal sense, and though I sometimes stray to one or the other, the levels of difference always tend to level themselves equally. At some times, I yearn for diversity, for the ability to live freely between the two cultures, however I struggle because I need to satisfy both, and in order to do so I have to abide by each domain's tradition.

Dreaming turns my abiding into betrayal, because each dream I dream is one-sided, and selfish and foolish for that matter, for my mind knows that I must split myself into these two domains however it chooses one side each time I dream, and it partners with my subconscious states and ultimately brings me misery, for to dream is to both aspire and abandon. My mind is teased by my subconscious, and is fooled by its demands, and this teasing soon reaches me, and makes me yearn. The things I yearn for are thus unattainable because if I reach out for one dream, I am abandoning the prospect of another. My torment lies in the fact that I have two sides to dreams - this is so, in order to remain in control of the harmony between my cultures. With a one-sided dream, I lose harmony and swing to one domain.

Each time I wake from a dream I spend the rest of the day attempting to convince my mind that it is wrong to want what I dream of, I try to trick my mindset into believing that balance is harmonious for it and for me, and it is quite a difficult job for though I believe that harmony is best, I also believe that it is quite an arduous job being two types of people in one body. One part of me abides by my cultural background and my parents’ traditions, and the other part is screaming quite ludicrous things like “STRAYA” and “you look like you need more beer, drink more beer and go out and party, come on, what have you got to lose?” Myself, Australian voice, I will lose an aspect of myself.

It is a constant battle and dreams do not make it any easier, for they are the wagers of my war between my two selves, my two identities. And I do nothing but wave the white flag, begging each side to accept the existence of the other, begging them to have mercy on one another because in order for myself to live harmoniously with them, they need to learn to live harmoniously with one another. Sometimes, it is harder to wave the white flag because the air I wave it in is filled with a thick mist that stiffens the flag, so I must wave harder in order for the party I am waving it to to see – but the parties continue becoming blinded, for while I am training them to live in one mindset, my mindset, they each are continuing to develop a mindset of their own. Days where I have three mindsets are the worst because my mission is to try and quieten two.

It is much easier to observe than to experience, thus I have taken the observatory path. This path fulfills both aspects of my being, for it shows them rather than having them go out and experience it for themselves. Experiencing things quietens one domain, thus silencing the harmony.  I have thus come to the conclusion that to be observant is to be harmonious, but with that conclusion arises another problem, the silencing of my third mindset, the mindset which ultimately makes me, me. I cannot continue living a sheltered life wherein I see things through an iron cage, I want to break free from that cage and gain the ability to touch, to feel, to experience. And these experiences must synthesise together with the desires of my two other mindsets, which is quite rare. Though, I certainly come across meeting points of these mindsets. It just happens rarely.

Dreams may be open doors to opportunities, however the same opportunities cannot happen to three mindsets, otherwise they will be three different opportunities. My life is a constant struggle of leveling, and until my mindsets forge into one, it will continue to be that way. It is not that I am leading a life of dismay, it is rather that I am leading three difficult and confusing lives.