How to be Famous Today

For as long as the paparazzos and media have been working collaboratively to bring the status-quo feelings of self-hatred and self-consciousness, things to view and gossip about, the status-quo has felt the need to dream big, to dream rich, to aim for things acquired by, in most instances, getting down on your knees. The several aims to fame, if you want to get in the game, are as follows:

Extend your tongue as far as it can go whilst rubbing a foam hand on your crotch and dry-humping Robin Thicke on stage.

Miley Cyrus is an iconic disaster who is, despite her highly sexual and borderline homosexual and satanic behaviour, is still classed highly in our media. Though people despise the very idea of her, most girls have now set her as their mobile phone’s lock screen, and have shaved their heads to mimic her so-called ‘style’. Ex-Hannah Montana star has shown us that to leave behind Disney’s contract and to open up a wider journey of fame, you just slice through lingual frenulum, the flesh looking flap of skin beneath your tongue, get on stage with Robin Thicke, an older and married man with children, and dry-hump him, later showing your utterly sexual desire for hairy older men by rubbing a foam-hand on your crotch area and pretending you are enjoying every second of it, just to make your audience feel as though they should be enjoying it also.

Learn how to twerk.

Miley Cyrus has come a long way with twerking. This ludicrous act requires a human to bend over and shake the area where the sun tends to shine least until they appear as though their method of shaking becomes sexually interesting and alluring for people of all genders to enjoy. Some people, note that Miley Cyrus is not included, have great twerking abilities, and if one was to glance at their sizeable behinds, they would notice that the better the twerker is, the more squats they would have done. Judging by Miley Cyrus’ epidemic of a performance at the MTV awards, she is blessed with neither of these. Twerking is a great way to acquire fame and popularity though, if you have been squatting an awful lot and if your face is also visually appealing, because the media plays a part in any aspect of fame. Let us not forget Caitlin Heller’s failed attempt of twerking against her door upside down, though, and almost ending up portraying the epitome of Katniss Everdeen.

Use a lot of hashtags in your social media posts.

Hashtags allow you to acquire more views on something you post to a social media site, and they will also, depending on your wit, gain you an extensive repertoire amongst your followers. The status-quo will fall in love with you and your life if you make a posted picture interesting by pointing out what to notice in hashtags. Hashtags like #swag and #yolo are quite popular in this day and age, accompanied by teenagers wearing Obey Snapbacks and Nike apparel, all thanks to the wonderful role models they have in their lives – so-called ‘rappers’.

Get discovered by Usher on Youtube.

Justin Bieber was a screechy fourteen year old when he was discovered on Youtube by Usher’s managing partner. Bieber was then introduced to Usher, who thought that Bieber’s voice was money to his ears. And indeed it was, though it was really his adorable little Canadian-boy-with-a-cute-little-blonde-fringe image that brought every mentally-unconscious girl’s dreams to a frenzy. Parents now scavenge their bank accounts and pay top dollar just to allow their daughters to go and witness Bieber getting bottled in the head at his concerts.

Use autotune.

Britney Spears, Ashley Simpson, Katy Perry, every popular pop singer uses this ingenious device to allow themselves to hide their strenuous attempts of a voice, in some cases, a whiny whisper. In fact, autotune assists so-called ‘singers’ into tricking fans into thinking they can actually sing, thus enforcing them to purchase their music albums, look them up on Youtube – earning them lots of revenue, and advertently purchasing concert tickets so that they can go and watch their favourite singers roll around on a faraway stage while a computer strains its technological vocal cords to enhance the singer’s reputation.

Wear nothing.

Sex sells. Though people try to deny it, fail to admit it, become feminist and demand that it stops, sex truly does sell. Miley Cyrus tried to be sexy in every way possible, and failed, yet people still talk about her, making her even more famous than intended. If you want to get far, wear less clothing. This is what the media has done to our minds. It highlights that personality is an unimportant factor when it comes to beauty – blonde, beautiful? Great, you can be on a Vogue magazine cover – the possibilities are endless, if you walk around looking like a softcore-pornography object. You do not need dignity if you have fame. There is no dignity in Hollywood. Most actors have sold their very souls in order to have a higher income than the status-quo. The Black Dahlia murders tell this story quite well.

Possess no actual talents, just pretend that you do.

The art of acting takes one a long, long way. If you continue convincing yourself that you are worthless, you have no skills or interests and you will amount to nothing, then yes, that is exactly what will happen, because you are also saying this to the world. However, if you wake up one morning and convince yourself that you are invincible, that you are beautiful and you will fulfil your very dreams then chances are you will. Look at Kritsen Stewart. The amount of time her head twitches in movies does not stop her from making it to the big screen – and you sit there, denying yourself the potential, chewing angrily on popcorn and secretly enjoying her awkward acting.

Write a vampire love story.

Stephanie Meyer had a nightmare one night, and woke up and made it everyone else’s nightmare too – Twilight. If you have a romantic nightmarish dream depicting bestiality and monsters romantically going about affairs, then jot it down and expand it into every teenager’s dream, because despite your horrible grammatical skills, you will achieve almost as much as the amazing J.K. Rowling. Emphasis on almost.

Star as a lead actress in a movie based on a book about a vampire love story.

Kirsten Stewart starred in seventeen movies prior to Twilight. Robert Pattinson starred in seven movies prior to Twilight. Billy Burke starred in twenty-two movies prior to Twilight. Taylor Lautner starred in three movies prior to Twilight. Need I say more? Fine, Harry Potter.

Be 16 and be pregnant.

Back in the good old days, MTV was a place for music, purely music. Now, it is a place that gratifies ‘reality’ shows that depict sixteen year old teenage mothers who whine and moan and act as though the fathers of their children, not any older or mature themselves, actually care about the havoc they have wreaked. Now, you can liberate yourself from the mere status-quo and become pregnant at a fragile age, and pray that your parents love you so much so that they will also love the child that you cannot financially or emotionally support because you yourself are still somewhat of a child internally.

Be Italian and live in New Jersey and start a television show wherein you host faux fights as faux as your personality and accent.

Jersey Shore is the most horrid show I have ever mistakenly laid eyes upon. It depicts a bunch of feisty and cocky Italians who live under the same roof and, well that is about it. If you would like more drama than a female cat in heat fighting for the last dying male cat, then you should invest in acting in this trainwreck of a show, and any other show like it.

Create any television show, really.

Honestly, you will be a star in no time. People will gratify how utterly stupid you portray yourself, and they will love you for it. It will be a hate-love relationship but you will be famous, nonetheless.

Make some rhymes that include words derogatory to race, colour and women.

If you become a drug abusing rapper that uses the words “n*gga”, “b*tch”, “sl*t”, “h*e” against women, coloured people or people of other races, then you will be famous in no time. Trust me, you will end up wearing a golden chain so heavy that your nape will cave in by the tie you are Betty White’s age. This also applies if you use words such as “gangsta” or “thug” or “slug” or “pop a cap” or “penitentiary” or “blood” or “crip” or any words that portray sexual activities in vulgar manners.

Be a singer and write lyrics that make great Facebook statuses.

Most humans have a Facebook page nowadays, and it constantly prompts them to input what is on their mind. If you write lyrics worth writing as statuses, then you will gain fame in no time. Lyrics based on “bad b*tches”, “getting money”, “weed”, exes or “getting wasted” will be the most popular. Amongst the hipsters, you will find that deep lyrics with a poetic twist will also gain you fame.

Eat a tampon.

Years ago, a statement like that would have been laughed at, and spat on, but unfortunately this is a legitimate way to acquire fame. Giovanna Plowman has shown the world that consuming her used tampon is the quickest way to get a mention. Even if Nosferatu was alive, he would not be able to compete with this girl’s blood-sucking ways. I do not recommend you take this road to fame, but hey, it is your choice.

Make a song about what foxes would potentially say had they the ability to speak.

Such a song will make the angriest of men laugh at how utterly ridiculous it is. Like an absurd toddler’s ‘animal sounds’ book come to life, this song makes you wonder if it is a song or a practical joke. It would make Beethoven intentionally deafen himself. The recreation of a song as such will easily get you famous.

Host an immature war via Twitter and letters and alcohol whilst on an airplane with a selfish lady during Thanksgiving. (Elan Gale and Dianne from 7A)

Instead of ignoring Dianne from 7A and her constant complaining, Elan Gale took it upon himself to blast the Twitter-sphere with continuous posts, updating an average of three-hundred people at a time with the little war he had waged with this Dianne woman. Find an annoying person on a plane, and wage a social networking war with them. Be witty, people will screenshot all that you post and cackle on about it for their lifetime, in the same way they cackle on about how Samuel L. Jackson is sick of snakes on a plane. The poor man’s cries of annoyance of snakes on a plane had not gained him any fame, yet Elan’s irritating complaints about a woman complaining had him semi-famous in no time.

Work as a low-level government intelligence contractor and expose the United States' spy programme to your fellow humans, and earn a spot n the heart of Wikileaks.

Do it for the people. This is a positive flare of advice. If you care about the greater good, endanger yourself by the government by going against them and hiding in Russia.

Create a Vine whilst driving, twerking, or doing any other crazy thing that is likely to acquire views.

It is not okay to drink and drive, but it is okay to Vine and drive. Most early members of this Vine committee have brought their faces and videos instant fame by acting out something that the status-quo agree or adhere to. And we will follow you blindly like sheep with their eyes gauged out.

Get an undercut and create songs that sound like the shaver you received the undercut from drowned in a cat's uterus and had a spasm.

Skrillex’s ‘Bangarang’ has been overplayed so much so, that I cannot tolerate his route to fame. He, Sonny Moore, has brought himself more fame by creating electronic orgasms than he had when he was in the band, From First to Last. Now he is from last to first, beep beep beep.

Marry Kanye West, have a baby with him and call her North.

Kim Kardashian, after finding an alternate way to gain fame, had her own television show, but soon after became unpopular again, or another status-quo member. Now that she has married the very Yeezus himself, she has regained her popularity. Kim, Kanye and North West. If you want to take this path, I suggest you hurry and marry a rapper before they are all taken by the gold-diggers that they despise – hypocrites. Jay-Z, the richest of them all, Wiz Khalifa, and now Kanye West. I am terribly sorry, but you will have to stoop so low as where Nicki Minaj used to be before she brought the world her Super Bass, the underground, to find a rapper to rise with, that is if he does not end up Chris Brown-ing you like Rihanna. And guys, you have schizophrenic Nicki Minaj or fast-tongued Snow the Product to choose from.

Star in a pornographic film and act as though you are famous because you are Kim Kardashian.

Come on, Kim Kardashian needs to be famous! Everyone has forgotten how she first acquired fame though, forgotten about what went into her and made her feel as though she was star quality. If you want to be famous and fast, drop your panties for Ray J.

Be in a boyband and pretend to be homosexual to tease mindless teenage girls.

One Direction has taken the female status-quo members in one direction and pranced off with them under a rainbow. British accents are slowly taking over the sexiness of American accents. Start finessing yours, and perhaps you will also be famous for being a lanky teenage boy with minimal vocal abilities wearing suspenders and a silly straw hat on a beach.

Tease terminal illnesses and people that hold them.

Yes, apparently it is now ‘cool’ to tease the terminally ill, or bully the mentally ill, or push someone at edge over the edge. Despite what you are surrounded by, be better than that. Do not take this pathway. If you feel as though you need to, please seek counselling.

Be Fat. Be Rebel Wilson.

Apparently, being overweight is now something that you can use to acquire not only sympathy, but friends, and fame.

Be Leonardo DiCaprio or Ryan Gosling or Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt or Meryl Streep or Zach Galifianakis or Jennifer Lawrence or any other physically attractive and talented actress or actor Hollywood has to offer.
This goes without saying. Most of Hollywood's finest are truly great. The question is, though, can you be too?

There are hundreds of silly ways to acquire fame nowadays – you can just about to anything. We are in dire need of true role models, not like Kony, and we need to come together and despise the very idea of fame, reject what the media tells us, and enjoy being un-famous so that we are not constantly stalked by the paparazzi. Be famous in your community and help out those in need, because being on the cover of magazines does not assist the greater good.