Silly Straw Hats

Admit it. You love wearing your straw hat wherever you go, whether you are indoors, outdoors, hanging off a balcony or sweating to death in a pit full of humans whilst a live band is playing. This is true, because it is summertime, and though straw hats do appear rather silly when worn in strange times, the fact that it is the hottest season of the year simply excuses you without you having to create excuses for yourself.

Straw hats create a crunching sound when held too hard. I have learnt this the hard way, thus my silly hat made of straw, or so the label states, and made by child exploitation in sweatshop factories, which is for some reason never mentioned on the labels, has a slight crack in the front of it, which makes it even more silly than it currently is, especially when it sits on my head. But nobody notices the crack – they only notice the fact that they forgot their silly straw hats at home, so they stare in envy at the meticulously designed hat, with its beige and tan coloured ribbon sprawled in one neat line around the perimeter of the straw hat. They stare at how well it suits my black and purple hair, and how miraculously well it also suits the clothing I am wearing, which at first glance do not appear to suit anything but myself.

Straw hats have been around ever since the times of knights jousting on majestic horses, kicking rear ends and collecting names. They have barged into our lives, and in doing so, right into the sun’s way, in spite of its best efforts to burn through them. Doing so has proved impossible, and though sun-screen attempts to also assist humans in protecting themselves from the UV radiation from the sun’s beams, straw hats have proved completely immune, and worthy of our attention – for like the original purpose of our authoritative figures, police, they live to serve and protect. It is no wonder that the wealthy in the eighteenth century were accustomed to indulging themselves in the company of a straw hat, for straw hats are a tremendous effort in maintaining a human’s natural complexion.

I stride in the streets quite fond of my appearance underneath my straw hat. Though I appear Bruno Mars-esque, I stride on happily and wear my hair beneath it in a different style, so that my straw hat retains its comfort on my head – a ponytail would be ridiculous for it will sit in the way of my summer protector. I cannot allow anything to cause it mere agitation for its agitation will result in mine also, due to a potential fashion fallout. When I am annoyed from wearing my straw hat, which happens on rare occasions, I simply grasp the front of it lightly and, when removed from my head, place it gently on my laps until I am ready to wear it once more. When I am being driven on a cruise and the windows are down, even though I am not totally affected by the wind, I gently hold down my straw hat with my index finger, leaning my elbow on the car door, to rid myself of the event of having to lose my straw hat – I could not bear to watch it flutter off into the distance like a butterfly on heat.

Upon arriving at home, I straightaway place my straw hat on its own rack behind my bedroom door. It sits patiently, awaiting my next adventure with it – it wonders where we are going next – will it be a vineyard? A music festival? A trip to the beach? A picnic at a state park? There is no telling where the next trip will take the straw hat and I, so its patience serves it justice. I take comfort in the fact that it will wait for me whenever I am ready – it will have prepared itself without me having to ask it to, and I am quite sure that it takes comfort in me, its new owner, and the fact that I confide in it.

In the 1920s, a riot broke out because of an unwritten rule stating that one could not wear a straw hat after the 15th of September in New York – one caught wearing a straw hat would have it removed and stomped to pieces before their eyes, by a member of the public, a youth to be exact. Newspapers of those days had warned the public of the 15^th of September. A group of testing youths decided to, two nights before the alleged ‘no straw hats’ date, confront factory workers, remove their hats and stomp on them. The factory workers, however, had fought back, and a riot was born. These youths became role models for other teenagers, and the nights after the 13^th became disastrous. Teenagers roamed the streets with large sticks with nails at the end, looking for straw hats to clobber. These clobberings led to more riots, and in 1924 a man was killed for wearing one. This tradition, per se, soon became ridiculously boring and was left behind.

Thankfully, in these modern times, we do not have the inessential clobbering of straw hats. Instead, we have the appreciation of them. They have been introduced into our summer fashion ranges, and have been seen as icons of travel and wealthy escapes. They still serve their duties to protect and shelter, and fortunately, people are not clobbered by teenagers if they are seen wearing them. Instead, they are envied, and cause teenagers to try to adapt the hats into their own fashion senses, in an attempt to lure members of the opposite or same sex in.

When you wear your straw hat next, assuming you own one, please treat it with the care that it provides for you. Though it is inanimate, it will most likely feel threatened if you make it feel unwelcome. It is your fashion statement, wear it with pride and stride through esplanades – who knows what luck your straw hat will bring you? Just remember to stray from teenagers with long sticks and nails, perhaps the fashion of clobbering straw hats will someday return.